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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24202279">Stray Cat Strut</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hybridempress/pseuds/hybridempress'>hybridempress</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work, 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Gen, Major Original Character(s), request</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:07:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,335</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24202279</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hybridempress/pseuds/hybridempress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Atsushi joined the ADA, he believed that with a full stomach and an apartment to sleep in every night, he would finally be able to feel well-rested. However, after spending a few years at the Agency, he has come to the unfortunate conclusion that this just isn't true. Tonight is no exception, as Dazai has felt the need to force Atsushi into taking care of an asshole-ish talking cat who claims to be a human man with godlike powers.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Stray Cat Strut</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I don't usually post things like this on my AO3, but I had so much fun with this story that I couldn't resist. I haven't written BSD fanfic in years, and I was really excited to have an opportunity to write some at the request of my friend Vivi. They wanted me to write a little two-part fic about Charlie (their original character from their novel) getting up to some general shenanigans inside the BSD universe, stemming from the fact that he can turn himself into a cat but hasn't quite figured out how to control it yet. I hope you guys are able to get as much fun out of reading this little two-parter as I did writing it. And if you'd like to find out how/when I take writing requests, you can follow me on my Instagram @hybridempresscosplays or on my twitter @hybrid_empress &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>               Atsushi had dreamed once of being able to get a good night’s rest. In the orphanage, he’d dreamed that he would one day be adopted by loving parents who had a bedroom already dressed up for him and a brand new futon to sleep on instead of the ratty mattress he’d had back then. When he’d been kicked out and started living on the streets, he prayed to every god he could think of that he could at the very <em>least </em>find a blanket that someone had thrown out to sleep on, if not another ratty mattress. When he was taken in by the ADA and given an apartment with the brand new futon he’d dreamed about as a child, he thought he would finally have his chance. Just once in his life, he wanted to say that he felt well-rested. But by now, he’d been with the ADA long enough to know a restful sleep was something none of them could ever achieve. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Although, if it hadn’t been for a certain bandage-covered individual, maybe the idea wouldn’t have been so impossible.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               At around 3:34 A.M. on a Thursday morning—Atsushi’s day off, no less—the young man was awoken from what would have been the most peaceful slumber he’d had in his life by the sounds of furious scratching, vexed hissing, and downright vengeful mewling. It wasn’t the first time he had been interrupted by some poor stray wandering about the apartment complex in search of something to eat, so despite how guilty it made him feel (he just couldn’t afford to feed every cat he came into contact with, alright?), he did his best to go back to sleep. No creature had ever been as incessant as this particular one was, though, and it wasn’t long before Atsushi knew he would never get back to sleep if he didn’t do something to make the cat shut up. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Reluctantly, Atsushi lumbered off of his futon and towards the front door of his apartment. He threw the door open and began to look around the balcony-hallway outside of his apartment. “Hey, scram, alright!?” he said feebly. “I’m sorry, I just don’t have any food. I can’t afford to keep buying cat food every week! Go find someone else to bother.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “If you think you’re gonna feed <em>me </em>any kind of cat food, you’ve got another thing coming, pal.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi yelped at the sudden appearance of another voice. He continued to glance around the outside of his apartment, but he couldn’t see anyone. Only a small black cat sitting at the corner of his door, which he assumed to be the stray that had woken him up. He ignored the cat in favor of walking to the balcony railing and peering over the edge, trying to see if there was anyone on the ground floor of the complex who could have heard him and responded to him. He still didn’t see anyone. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “If someone’s trying to play a trick on me, could you please stop? Come on, it’s a Thursday morning…! I’m just trying to get some sleep…!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I’d love to let you get back to that, buddy,” the voice said, causing Atsushi to jump, “but it ain’t gonna happen until you find a way to help me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Wh-who are you!? Where are you!? What do you want!?” Atsushi stuttered, quickly glancing around himself to try and spot any dark figures that may arise from the shadows. He transformed his arms into tiger claws, preparing a weapon just in case.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I’m down here, asshole,” the voice said. Then, Atsushi felt a sharp pain in his ankle and looked down to see that the cat was clawing him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Hey!” Atsushi exclaimed, furrowing his brows. “Cut it out, cat!” He reached with his claws to push the cat off of him, and the cat hissed at him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Watch it, buddy!” It was only then that Atsushi finally realized that the voice was coming from the cat.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “What the hell!?” Atsushi choked out, stumbling away from the cat. “Are you… did you just <em>talk!?”</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Nice of you to finally notice,” the cat said, sauntering up to Atsushi again. “Now can we get over this whole ‘fraidy-cat’ thing so you can help me?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “S-sorry,” Atsushi stammered. “I just… didn’t realize I could talk to cats…?” He’d never really <em>tried </em>to talk to a cat before. It hadn’t ever occurred to him that doing so was something his Ability may allow him to do. Although, he’d certainly been around many cats in his lifetime, and he couldn’t remember ever being able to understand what they were saying. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “You can’t,” the cat said firmly. “<em>I </em>can speak Japanese.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi wasn’t sure that made much more sense, and he wasn’t sure that he believed it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Uhh, okay,” Atsushi began just as the cat started to walk into his apartment. “H-hey, where do you think you’re going!?” he called after it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I’m not just gonna stand around outside anymore. I told you, I need your help.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi followed the cat inside with a hard frown on his face. “Look, cat, I don’t know who you are, but—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “The name’s Charlie,” the cat said as it crawled into Atsushi’s futon.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi paused for a second, then shook his head. “Whatever! Look, I can point you in the direction of the Armed Detective Agency, but it’s three in the morning right now <em>and </em>it’s my day off! Can you please get out of my damn apartment and let me get some sleep!?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Oh, I know where the ADA is,” the cat—Charlie—said. “The guy who was <em>supposed </em>to help me brought me here and said you would take care of it.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi raised an eyebrow. “Who the hell brought you here?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Charlie almost seemed to roll his eyes at Atsushi. “Take a wild guess.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Somehow, the tone of Charlie’s voice led Atsushi to figure out who was responsible for this right away. “Dazai… not again… why tonight…?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi could swear that Charlie was laughing at him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Why the hell did he bring you here? Especially at this hour?” Atsushi demanded.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “How the hell should I know?” Charlie said defensively. Then, he pawed at his neck until the collar he was wearing rotated enough for Atsushi to see that there was some kind of note tied to it. “He did put this stupid collar on me, though. If you get it off for me, you can read whatever the hell he attached to it.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi turned his claws back into hands and finally shut the apartment door. He walked over to the futon and sat down on it, then unbuckled the collar from around Charlie’s neck. Charlie purred and stretched out on the futon, then lied down as Atsushi untied the note, opened it, and read it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Atsushi,</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>               Thanks for keeping an eye on my furry little friend for me! As you may have already noticed, he’s unfortunately gotten himself stuck as a house cat. It’s no Ability, so I can’t reverse it! I’m trying to find some other resources for him, but he’s been such a pain in the ass lately. I just need someone to occupy him while I find a way to get him back to normal. You’re the only person I can trust, Atsushi! I know you’ll do a fantastic job!</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>-Dazai</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi’s eyebrow twitched as he read the letter. “If he’s such a pain in the ass, why’d you have to put him on me?” he grumbled under his breath.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “What was that?” Charlie asked, shifting to face Atsushi.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Nothing! It was nothing,” Atsushi said. There was an awkward pause for a moment. “Sooo, you’re not… always a cat…?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Hell no,” Charlie scoffed. “I have no idea how the hell this even happens!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “You’ve turned into a cat before?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “No shit, Sherlock.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Hey, you don’t have to be so rude,” Atsushi snapped. “I still don’t even know who the hell you are! It’s not my fault Dazai dumped you here, and it’s certainly not my fault that you turned yourself into a cat!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “My name’s Charlie Sparks, I’m a thirty-year-old Mexican man, and I’m the God of Revolution. How’s that for a self-introduction?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi stared at him blankly for a moment, then shouted “Horrible! What the hell does that even mean!?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “It’s exactly what it sounds like, kid. I’m a thirty-year-old man with god powers whose life is so much of a mess that I just end up accidentally turning myself into a cat every couple of months and I have no idea how to fix it!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi groaned and fell backward onto his futon. “This is too much,” he mumbled, pulling his pillow over his head. “Can we like, do this in the morning? Like can we come back to this when it’s normal people functioning time?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “What difference does it make whether we talk about this now or at nine in the morning?” Charlie asked.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m kind of hoping that you’re just part of some hallucination of my sleep-deprivation and that if I manage to get back to sleep tonight you’ll be gone in the morning,” Atsushi said.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Charlie shrugged. Well, as much as a cat could shrug. “You know what, sure. If your little theory is true, then you’ll be doing a favor for both of us,” he said. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               With that, Charlie stood up, walked in a circle a few times, and flopped right back down on the futon to sleep. Atsushi wasn’t thrilled to be sharing a bed with a strange cat who may or may not actually be a god of some kind, but he also wasn’t really sure what other choices he had. Charlie had clearly made the decision to sleep on the futon tonight, and Atsushi was sure that any attempts to move him away would be met with a great deal of wrath. So Atsushi moved his pillow back underneath his head, pulled his blankets around himself tightly, and forced himself to go back to sleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Normally, Atsushi slept in until around ten or eleven o’clock on his days off. If he had nowhere to be and nothing else to do, sleep was always his number one priority. Unfortunately for him, his theory about Charlie being a hallucination couldn’t have been farther off the mark, and Charlie was not by any means a late riser. Especially when being trapped inside a cat’s body made it impossible for him to do anything for himself. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi awoke at 8:30 A.M. to Charlie kneading his paws into Atsushi’s stomach hard enough to make him feel like he needed to puke. He yelped in discomfort and frantically sat up, then shoved Charlie hard enough to send him rolling about five feet away. Charlie hissed loudly as he got to his feet.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Oh, great. You’re still here,” Atsushi moaned, then fell back onto the futon again. “What the hell is wrong with you?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I haven’t eaten anything since yesterday, and also, I need to take a dump, but your toilet’s closed! I lack both the strength and opposable thumbs necessary to make myself food or lift the lid, and I’m two minutes away from just shitting in your kitchen sink instead. If that option sounds unappealing to you, I suggest you get your ass up and make your bathroom cat-accessible.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi sat up again and narrowed his eyes at Charlie. “I’m not letting you use my bathroom, that’s disgusting. Why didn’t you go outside before deciding to crash my home?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “What the hell is so disgusting about me using your toilet? You don’t go outside, do you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “<em>You’re </em>a cat!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>              “I’m not a cat, I’m a person. We’ve been through this.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “You can’t use my toilet!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Okay, sink it is.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Charlie began trotting towards Atsushi’s small kitchen, causing Atsushi to scramble to his feet and run to the bathroom. “Okay, okay, okay! Jeez!” He opened the lid for the toilet and quickly ran out of the room again. Satisfied, Charlie purred and strutted into the bathroom instead. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi knew that he wasn’t going to be able to get back to sleep after this, but he at least wanted to rest. However, Charlie wouldn’t even let him have that. Almost as soon as Atsushi had laid back down on his futon, he heard Charlie’s voice again. “Why are you trying to fall asleep again? Aren’t you going to make breakfast or something?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I’m not hungry,” Atsushi said.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Well, I am, and I can’t make myself anything to eat, so that means it’s your responsibility!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I already told you last night, I can’t afford to buy cat food for every stray that winds up here! I don’t have anything for you!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “If you put a bowl of cat food anywhere near me I will not hesitate to claw your eyes out,” Charlie hissed. “How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not a real fucking cat?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Then what the hell am I supposed to give you to eat!?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Whatever the hell you usually eat, asshole! Jeez, I knew Dazai couldn’t be passing me off to anyone smart, but I didn’t think you’d be stupider than him!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi furrowed his brows and threw his blanket off again. “Whatever! Hope you like rice, because that’s all I eat!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               After the day he’d had with Charlie, Atsushi became quite sure that Charlie was a god, and that he was punishing Atsushi for being so selfish. He knew what it was like to be on the streets and have nothing. He should have just budgeted for the stupid cat food every couple of weeks. Really, how hard was it to make sure a few strays didn’t starve for a night or two? Who knows how many cats had died because Atsushi hadn’t fed them? He promised Charlie that he would never refuse to buy cat food again, but all Charlie did in return was threaten to claw Atsushi’s eyes out again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai was missing for about a week. Or at the very least, he had been avoiding Atsushi for that long. The other ADA members said vague things about seeing him here and there, but as usual, no one could tell exactly where he had gone or what he was doing outside of work. There were many times since Atsushi had met Dazai that he wondered if Dazai would ever come back, and this was definitely one of those times. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               This spitefulness for Dazai ended up being quite fortuitous, surprisingly. It was something that Charlie and Atsushi could bond over. Charlie had been a pain in the ass at first, but to be honest, so had Atsushi. Once he got over his initial hangups—mainly the idea that Charlie <em>wasn’t </em>really a cat and didn’t want to be treated like a cat—the two of them ended up becoming good friends. And, to both Charlie’s and Atsushi’s surprise, that was apparently exactly what Charlie needed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               It was a very frightening experience to come home after a hard day’s work and find a disgruntled man making food in your kitchen when you were expecting a disgruntled cat sitting on your futon. Atsushi screamed when he opened the door to his apartment and saw a tall, dark-skinned man with dreadlocks using his stove to make rice. He turned his arms into tiger claws again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Who the hell are you and how did you get in my apartment!?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Oh, jeez,” the man said in an oddly familiar voice, clearly startled. He turned around to look at Atsushi. “Hey, let’s not do this again. Put your claws away, bud.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi realized that the voice was familiar because it was Charlie’s voice. Hesitantly, Atsushi transformed his arms back. “Charlie? You’re not… you fixed it??”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I guess so,” Charlie said, shrugging. “I don’t really know how, but I’m back to normal.” He then began to walk towards Atsushi. “Hey, can you do me a favor and watch the rice until I get back?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Where… are you going?” Atsushi asked.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Charlie pushed past him and walked out the door. “My cousin just gave me a call. She knows where Dazai is, and I’m about to give him a good ass-kicking.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Stray Cat Strut 2: Electric Boogaloo</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Having managed to turn back into a human, Charlie hunts down Dazai to give the bastard a piece of his mind.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>              When all had been said and done, Charlie really couldn’t say that he disliked Nakajima. He might even go so far as to say that he enjoyed the young man’s company after a while. Sure, the first few days had been rocky, but he couldn’t really blame Nakajima for that. They had both been inconvenienced by the son of a bitch who had just dropped Charlie off outside of the apartment, and neither of them had been sure of what to do about it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Now, though, now that Charlie had managed to revert back to his human form and could finally open doors for himself again, he knew exactly what to do about it. Dazai was about to receive an ass-beating unlike anything else he’d ever experienced in his life. He knew all about Dazai and Nakahara’s little skirmish with an Eldritch god some years prior, and it made him laugh to think about. If Dazai couldn’t beat a giant squid without relying on the god that lived inside of Nakahara, he sure as hell wasn’t going to be able to defend himself against the god of revolution. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Charlie still hadn’t figured out how the whole house-cat transformation thing worked. This hadn’t been the first time that it had happened, and knowing his luck, he doubted it would be the last. He wasn’t sure how he had managed to turn himself back into a human this time or the last time, though he was starting to suspect that it had something to do with calmed nerves. He supposed he was grateful for the fact that whatever belongings he had on his person at the time of his cat transformation always seemed to still be there whenever he turned human again, though. Being lost in Japan without a cellphone, ID, or clothes was not a very appealing scenario. Especially when Dazai had put him so far off the idea of asking the ADA for help ever again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Unsurprisingly, when he found his cellphone in the pocket of his jeans after transforming back, he had to clear out an unprecedented number of missed calls and voicemails from his notifications. There were only a few spam calls mixed in with the hundreds of notifications that had come from Keats. He was honestly too afraid to listen to any of the voicemails she had left him. He had opted for getting chewed out in real-time and called her as soon as he had gotten rid of the unchecked notifications he had accumulated over the week.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Fortunately, his scolding hadn’t been any worse than it usually was. “Where were you? Why didn’t you tell me where you were? Why didn’t you have Nakajima call me?” Blah blah blah. In hindsight, it probably would have been a good idea to ask Nakajima to get ahold of Keats. She would have been able to track down Dazai for them and probably would have been able to help Nakajima understand the situation much better than Charlie himself had. He had to admit that his blunt and sarcastic nature didn’t exactly make it easy for people to understand him. But all things considered, Charlie didn’t think he had done <em>too </em>badly on his own. Besides, he had spent far too much time being angry and confused to think about the fact that he could just have someone else call Keats. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Luckily for him, Keats had been in the process of tracking Dazai down anyways. She figured that if anyone would know where Charlie was, it would be him. In the end, she didn’t really get what she wanted out of Dazai, but she was able to keep track of him for long enough to pass his location off to Charlie.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Charlie didn’t particularly like the idea of using public transportation at this very moment. It would have been so much easier to catch up with Dazai if he’d just had a bike or even his own car. Punctual trains and busses didn’t mean shit when there were long lines, huge crowds, and a lot of walking to do. He probably should have asked Nakajima if he had any sort of vehicle that he could borrow before he left the apartment, but he was so blinded by rage towards Dazai at the time that he forgot all about it. Turning back now would just cause way too much confusion on poor Nakajima’s part, and would be wasting a lot of precious time on Charlie’s part. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               It was fine, though. Charlie would be fine. Last he’d heard, Keats had seen Dazai going into a new cafe that had just opened up across town. Nowadays, the only places that Dazai either didn’t have a tab at or wasn’t infamous to the poor waitresses at were places that were brand new. And knowing Dazai, it would take him at least an hour to scope out the place and get a subtle conversation in with every woman who worked there. Charlie had time, he just hated being patient.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               When Charlie arrived outside the cafe, he first decided to peer into the front windows to see if he could spot Dazai anywhere inside. After glancing around for a minute, he squinted his eyes to look into the very back of the cafe. Finally, he spotted Dazai sitting at a booth in the corner of the restaurant, clearly chatting it up with a very lovely waitress. Charlie rolled his eyes, then went to the door and let himself into the cafe.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai was far too occupied with his conversation to notice that Charlie was approaching him. In fact, it wasn’t until Charlie had slid into the booth bench across from Dazai that he finally noticed he had company. Dazai made a very clear attempt to ignore Charlie at first, but he couldn’t keep up the charade for long. He had decided to hit on a working woman, after all. She still had a job to do. She broke away from her conversation with Dazai long enough to look at Charlie sweetly and ask “What would you like today, sir?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Nothing for me today, ma’am. I just saw my friend here through the window and decided to pop in to say hi,” Charlie responded. He gave the waitress a warm smile, but the gleam in his eyes was another story altogether for Dazai.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Oh! Well, in that case, I’ll give you two some time together,” she said, then gave a small bow and excused herself from the table.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai laughed and waved the waitress off, then finally faced Charlie with a smile. “Oh, Charlieeeee!” he purred. “Would you look at that! You figured out how to turn back all by yourself! You didn’t even need my help at all!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “You’ve ensured that I never ask for your help again after this, Dazai,” Charlie sneered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai pouted. “Oh, don’t be like that, Charlie. I would be so sad if you never came to visit me again!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Oh yeah?” Charlie said, raising an eyebrow. “How ‘bout you come outside with me so I can make you eat those words.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Thank you for the offer, Charlie, but I think I would much rather stay in here and eat my cakes instead.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Too fucking bad.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Charlie slid out from the booth and walked to Dazai’s side of the table. He grabbed Dazai by the collar of his coat and started to drag him out of the seat. Dazai gave a soft yelp and started almost trying to swim his way back into his seat.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I haven’t paid for my food yet! I can’t afford any more tabs right now, Charlie!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “That’s never stopped you from starting new tabs before. Let’s go.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Charlie yanked Dazai out of his seat hard enough to cause Dazai to gag. He helped Dazai to his feet and managed to get him to walk normally enough to not cause a scene in the cafe. As soon as they were out the door, though, all bets were off. Charlie made a quick scan to make sure that this wasn’t a busy street and that many cars didn’t come down here before drop kicking Dazai into the middle of it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai yelped again as he flew into the street and tumbled for several feet until he ended up as a heap over the center lines. He didn’t even have time to sit up before Charlie started walking towards him again. He muttered an “uh-oh” under his breath and tried to stand up so he could start running. He didn’t make it even one step before Charlie grabbed his collar and pulled him back again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Take it easy there, Charlie! If you get arrested for assault and battery, it’s going to be really hard for the ADA to get you out of it if <em>I’m </em>the one you assaulted!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I think I’ll take my chances,” Charlie snarled, then gave Dazai a gut punch.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai gagged and began coughing furiously. Charlie dropped him to his knees and stood over him while he hacked. As soon as Dazai had finished coughing, Charlie kicked him again. After getting over the initial shock, Dazai rolled out of the way and managed to get to his feet again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Look, Charlie, I don’t know what your problem is this time, but you oughta quit while you’re ahead. I can make life very difficult for you if you make one wrong move.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Don’t think I can’t call your bluff, Dazai. Are you that confident in your odds against a god?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai smirked. “I’ve beaten worse.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “No clever strategy of yours can overcome my power, Dazai. All it takes is for me to lose a couple drops of blood, and suddenly all your allies are mine. Don’t think I wouldn’t have fun destroying you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I can call your bluffs just as well as you can call mine, Charlie. You never radicalize innocent people if you can help it. I hate to tell you this, but most of the people I have on my side are quite upstanding citizens.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Charlie snorted, smiling. “Your pals at the ADA might be a little more inclined to side with me than you at the moment.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai raised an eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “You know, for an underground prodigy, you’re pretty thick,” Charlie said. Dazai stared at him evenly. “I mean, how did you think your little friends were going to feel about you dumping me on them and disappearing for a week? I don’t think Ranpo is too happy about having to pick up your shifts. Kunikida certainly hasn’t enjoyed redoing the week’s schedule. And let’s not forget about Nakajima.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai waved his hand dismissively. “They’ll get over it. Besides, I knew leaving you with Atsushi would be a good idea. You turned back faster this time than you did last time because of him.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I still don’t <em>know </em>how I turned back, but it wasn’t because you left me with a damn kid! I mean, what the hell were you thinking!? You dropped me off in the middle of an alleyway and the only information you gave me was a name and an apartment number, which I could barely even <em>see </em>because I was a goddamn cat! It was three in the morning! You didn’t give Nakajima any details, you didn’t tell me when you’d be coming back, you didn’t tell me what you were <em>doing, </em>and you left all your other coworkers out to dry. What is wrong with you!?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Careful, kitty,” Dazai purred. “We wouldn’t want your whiskers to come back, now would we?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Charlie bawled his hands into fists, curling his fingers until his knuckles turned white. “You better watch your mouth, asshole. What the hell are you implying, anyway?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Oh, I’d love to tell you, but I’ve been playing this game for a lot longer than you have. I don’t give up information just because some scary man is threatening me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               As infuriating as it was, Charlie knew that much to be true. Dazai had been an Executive of the Port Mafia, after all. He’d been through tortures that Charlie couldn’t even fathom. The only way to get anything out of him was to give him something he wanted. Violence wasn’t it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Just because he couldn’t kill Dazai right this instant didn’t mean that he couldn’t do it later, though.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Reluctantly, Charlie relaxed (as much as he could, anyway) and uncurled his fists. He spoke to Dazai in a low voice. “Fine. What do you want from me?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Well, it would be nice if you could reign in that unruly cousin of yours. The more she butts in on the Port Mafia’s business, the harder it is for us to keep them in check. I don’t know how they haven’t killed her yet, anyway.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Charlie laughed. “You’ll have to take that request up with her. You should know by now that I don’t have any influence over her actions. When someone makes her mad, there’s no stopping her.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai sighed dramatically, though Charlie could just make out a small but fond smile on his face. “Well, it was worth asking.” His expression sharpened, and he looked pointedly at Charlie. “As for you, my friend, I have a feeling there is some power within you that you’ve yet to realize or comprehend.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “What do you mean?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “It seems to me that your transformations are not coincidental, and may yet be something you are able to control. When you transform, it always seems to be after you experience a certain event that causes abnormal amounts of stress. However, given some time to calm down, you end up turning back,” Dazai said sagely.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Charlie rolled his eyes. “There’s no way it’s that simple. Besides, I wouldn’t exactly say that I’ve been in a calm state of mind the last times I’ve transformed back.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “No, not any calmer than normal, but <em>your </em>normal amount of calm. You’re always stressed about <em>something, </em>but there must be some kind of trigger that sends your stress levels into overdrive and activates a transformation as a defense-mechanism. So when you’ve relieved yourself of whatever that trigger is, you turn back to normal. I wonder if you might even be able to learn how to control this transformation and turn into creatures besides a house cat.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “You’re ridiculous,” Charlie spat. He had no idea how Dazai had come to this conclusion. All of the evidence he had to support it was circumstantial at best. There were plenty of high-anxiety situations where Charlie <em>hadn’t </em>turned into a cat. He couldn’t believe he’d let Dazai waste his time for this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “God, you’re so infuriating! I never should have come to you for help and I’m <em>never </em>going to make that mistake again!” Charlie snapped. “Now get your ass over here so I can finish kicking it into next week!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai crossed his arms and pouted. “What are you talking about? I just solved your problem for you!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I’m about to solve a few more for myself,” Charlie growled, then lunged towards Dazai.</p>
<p><br/>               Dazai’s eyes widened and he jumped out of the way just before Charlie could grab him. While Charlie was disoriented, Dazai knew he needed to get away fast. “It’s been fun, Charlie! Maybe try to visit us all when you’re <em>not </em>a cat next time!” Without another word, Dazai took off and didn’t dare to look back.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Stray Cat Strut: The Threequel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Our adventure isn't over yet! Turns out there was some truth in what Dazai said before: Charlie can definitely turn into more than just a house cat. Dazai is about to regret making that prediction.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Vivi wanted me to write another part to this little series, so here we are! I take immense pleasure in using Vivi's OCs to beat up Dazai. This chapter was a lot of fun to write. Thanks for indulging me and Vivi in this silly little fic!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>               Dazai had said a lot of stupid things in his life. He had said a fair share of them to Charlie in particular. But gods, now Charlie was wondering if Dazai could be any stupider. Honestly, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to find out. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               It was one thing to say that Keats’ life was in danger. Though it wasn’t news that Charlie ever <em>wanted </em>to hear, it was something that he was used to. Finding out that she was being targeted by the Port Mafia for some godforsaken reason was also distressing, but not particularly surprising. Neither of those things was Dazai’s fault (at least, not that Charlie was aware of). However, it <em>was </em>Dazai’s fault that he was deciding not to help.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “You can’t expect me to go in there and save her myself! They have eyes everywhere! You guys are supposed to be keeping them in check!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai had shrugged and waved his hand dismissively. “They’re only our problem if they’re putting the city in danger. If it’s a grudge between them and some other organization, then we don’t want to be involved.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I’m not a fucking organization, Dazai! I’m a person, and so is Keats!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “You’re a god, aren’t you? If I were you, I’d start acting like one.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “It means that a god shouldn’t be so weak that he comes crawling to me for help to save one measly person.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               <em>Famous last words, </em>Charlie couldn’t help thinking. It was the one rational thought he could focus on in all of his anger. It wasn’t enough to keep him from blowing up, though.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Maybe there was some truth to what Dazai had said the last time they had encountered one another. If someone stressed him out enough, his godly powers tried to cope by turning him into a housecat against his will. Well, as it turned out, a housecat wasn’t the only thing Charlie could turn into, and stress wasn’t the only emotion that triggered it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               A very inhuman roar ripped from Charlie’s throat as he tried to yell at Dazai in fury. At the same time, he could feel his body rapidly beginning to change. He couldn’t say that he started to feel smaller, necessarily. It was more that his size had just decided to shift in a different direction. He could feel a tail stiffening on his backside, a catlike snout growing on his face, and he could see huge brown paws with black spots on them beneath him, carrying his newfound weight. He was still a cat, no doubt about it, but he was much, <em>much </em>bigger than a house cat.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Still, Charlie was fuming far too much to be shocked by this development. He felt the desperate urge to throw himself and all of his weight on Dazai. He’d love to break a few bones. Maybe cause a few more scars. Even maiming him seemed like an incredibly appetizing option right now. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               An immense sense of satisfaction rippled through Charlie as he stared at his prey and noticed that Dazai was not looking so smug anymore. He had been right again during their last conversation: Charlie could very well turn into more than just a house cat. But clearly, Dazai hadn’t planned on his impertinence causing Charlie to transform, and certainly not into a creature that could very well destroy him in one fell swoop. With no foresight to get himself out of this situation and no one around to back him up, Dazai was a goner for sure. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Let’s not get overzealous here, kitty,” Dazai said evenly. He put his hands up as if he was trying to surrender, yet he still couldn’t help making that little quip. He was just digging himself a deeper grave as far as Charlie was concerned. “Don’t you remember what happened last time we went toe-to-toe? If you take me out, there’s no way you’ll ever get Keats back. I’ve got a lot more people on my side than you do. Remember that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Charlie scoffed. “Who cares about people? I’m a fucking jaguar. I’m a <em>god. </em>Your empty threats are too little too late. I’ll ravage the Port Mafia before they know what’s hit them. I don’t need your help, and quite frankly, I never want to see your ugly mug again.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Before Dazai could get another word in, Charlie pounced. It seemed that Dazai had been expecting such a move, as he dodged out of the way just barely in time. Charlie couldn’t stop himself before he slammed head-first into the alley wall behind Dazai. It took him a second to shake off the pain, but by then, Dazai had already taken off. Charlie wouldn’t let him get far, though. He knew for a fact there was no way Dazai could outrun a jaguar. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He thought himself lucky to have turned into an animal that had a very keen sense of smell. Dazai’s scent hung in the air so heavily that it might as well have been a visible trail. Charlie never thought he would be so grateful to be able to smell that bastard from a mile away. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dazai was smart. He took many twists and turns through the alleys and around buildings. He also must have been betting on the idea that Charlie wouldn’t want to be seen in the middle of the street in case it caused a panic. If someone else saw him, how long would it be before animal control or someone else showed up to sedate him and ship him off to who-knows-where? For all he knew, Dazai had already called some of his ADA buddies to come bail him out. Dazai’s Ability was easy to work around when it couldn’t take anything away from someone like him, but the other members would be harder to deal with. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               For the time being, he decided he would play it safe. He would keep following Dazai, but slow enough that Dazai could let his guard down after a while. Far enough behind that Dazai couldn’t make an estimate as to where he was. He waited patiently for Dazai to make his way back into the alleyways, then he finally had the chance to strike.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Unfortunately, he didn’t get to do much. No sooner had he pushed Dazai to the ground and laid a good scratch on him than he heard another roar at the opposite end of the alley. He didn’t have time to see who or what had made the noise before he was pushed off of Dazai and thrown into another wall. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               <em>Dammit, </em>he thought. He should have known even before looking that Nakajima was the only other cat who could have been present here today. He also should have known that Dazai would most certainly rope the poor boy into fighting his battles for him. It seemed Dazai only ever knew how to fight fire with fire. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Charlie shook off his second crash of the day and readied himself to pounce again. “Out of the way, kid. I really don’t feel like beating you up today.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi began to transform from the majestic and powerful white tiger that dwelled inside of him and back into his normal and scrawny little self, although he kept the claws. He stood his ground in front of Dazai and gave Charlie a hardened stare. “I don’t want to hurt you either, Charlie. But I can’t let you just attack Dazai. There’s gotta be a better way to settle this.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “My business with Dazai doesn’t concern you, kid. You don’t always have to stick up for him. Sometimes you gotta watch out for yourself.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He’s stuck his neck out for me plenty of times! It’s only fair that I return the favor!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “He’s in my way, kid. Don’t you get in my way, too.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Can’t you just tell me what’s going on?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “I came to this selfish prick bastard for help getting Keats back from his Mafia friends and he basically told me to go to Hell! If he’s not gonna help me, then I’m gonna take him down and go get my cousin back!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Nakajima turned around to look at Dazai. “You told him we wouldn’t help him!?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai shrugged. “It’s not our place. The Mafia isn’t threatening our city or our safety right now, so why should we get involved?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Nakajima groaned and made the motion of dragging his claws down his face, then turned back to Charlie. “Look, if I help you get Keats back, will you just leave Dazai alone?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “It might distract me for a little while, but I can’t make any promises,” Charlie grumbled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Whatever. That’s good enough for now,” Nakajima sighed. “Do you have any idea where they’re keeping her?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “They’re tired of her poking around in their business. They’ve gotta be keeping her in some kind of torture facility or prison. I’d be shocked if she wasn’t already thinking of a way to escape, but she hasn’t contacted me or anything yet.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Dazai scoffed and pushed himself to his feet. “I suppose if I can’t stop you two from going, I might as well give you some information. I know exactly where they keep people like Keats. But you’re very right. A girl like her is way too smart to be kept there for long.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               For once in his life, Dazai did something that was actually helpful to Charlie. He may not have been willing to put himself on the line, but he was willing to give the exact coordinates of where he believed the Mafia was keeping Keats so that Charlie and Nakajima weren’t fumbling in the dark. Charlie just hoped that Keats was cleverer than the bastards who had taken her. He hoped that they hadn’t already done something irreparable. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Atsushi knew his way around the city just as well as anyone else in the ADA by now, and he knew which paths to take to ensure that two large cats wouldn’t be seen or cause a panic. Charlie was grateful that most of the Port Mafia’s facilities were within the city’s limits. It only took them half an hour to find the building that Dazai had described to them. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Fortunately, for as “one-step-ahead” as the Port Mafia always was, they didn’t have any premeditated plans for how to deal with a surprise attack from two wildcats who were as sentient as human beings. Especially when most of the lower-level security agents didn’t have any Abilities of their own. They really only had two options: die by double-team-tiger-jaguar-mauling, or pound the alarm and run away. Most of them were smart enough to choose the latter.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               It turned out that most of the security features in the building weren’t cat-proof, either. It was really easy to swipe a claw down a control panel and watch the thing explode while the power around them went out. After that, it was only a matter of manually sliding unlocked doors open and scaring off whoever else might have been behind them. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>               And, as Charlie suspected, Keats’ own escape plan had already been well underway by the time he and Nakajima had gotten to her. Knocking the power out in the facility had only served to aid her in securing her own freedom. In hindsight, getting so worked up and worried about Keats may have been a little overdramatic. But there was no use in dwelling on that now. He and Nakajima just needed to grab Keats and get out of here before they sent someone with an Ability to clean up their mess.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Took you fuckin’ long enough!” Keats yelled when she spotted them down the hall in the dim light that had been provided by some sort of backup generator. Charlie briefly wondered how Keats could always tell who he was no matter what new bullshit his powers decided to manifest, but it wasn’t like there was time to ask.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               “Hop on,” Charlie said, lowering himself so that Keats could climb onto his back. It wasn’t going to be a comfortable ride—or a safe one—but it was the best they could do for now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>               Keats lunged onto Charlie’s back and held onto the fur on his neck for dear life. Neither Charlie nor Nakajima hesitated to start running. Once Charlie felt Keats’ hands around his neck, they took off.</p>
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